• Thinks he/she has the right to control you.
• Thinks you should obey and satisfy his/her every need.
• Is highly critical, possessive and/or controlling.
• Drinks heavily and/or uses drugs.
• Has little or no regard for your feelings, thoughts, or ideas.

Am I a Victim?

• Your instincts are telling you something is wrong with your relationship but you aren't sure why.
• You say 'No' to sexual activity, but your partner insists.
• You think you are responsible for or deserve the mistreatment you receive.
• You are afraid of your partner's temper and are careful not to upset or anger him/her.
• You give in to your partner's demands because you are afraid.
• You want to stop the violence, but don't know how.

Warning Signs: Characteristics of a Batterer

Excessive Jealousy - Has jealous reactions to many things in your life, including casual, minor contacts with such people as store clerks, or neighbors. Often very jealous of friends, family, children and pets.

Verbal Abusiveness - Uses putdowns such as 'You're stupid' or 'You're not a good mother/father' to destroy your self-esteem. The abusive language may escalate into rage or physical attacks.

Controlling Behavior - Demands rigid accounts of your every move and will often make follow-up calls to confirm your whereabouts. A batterer is unwilling to distinguish between caring and controlling behavior. Attempts to isolate - tries to destroy your relationships with your family and friends. Isolation keeps you from getting reality checks or support from others beside the batterer.

Unwillingness to Control Anger - Has frequent, violent outbursts such as ramming fist through walls and often gets into brawls with little warning. A batterer often throws things, kicks things, and goes into verbal rages.

Use of Violence - Uses force or intimidation to 'win' arguments, destroys physical objects, may have a history of cruelty to children as well as animals and may use force during sex.

Alcohol and Drug Abuse - Abuses substances, particularly alcohol, but not all batterers are addicts or alcoholics. Drugs and alcohol may make a batterer more violent, but they do not explain, and are certainly not an excuse for the violence. Batterers continue to batter even after they quit using drugs and alcohol.

Rigid Gender Roles - Believes that women are possessions and that they should cater to and unquestioningly obey men. Often have uncompromising ideas about what women's and men's roles, rights and 'duties' are.

Former Victim of or Witness to Domestic Violence - Of batterers who are currently battering, 73% grew up in an abusive household or witnessed domestic violence as a child. This does not excuse the behavior. It gives him/her the responsibility to learn to do something different from what he/she has learned.

Lack of Sensitivity - Unwilling to appreciate other people's feelings. Batterers believe that people who think or feel differently than themselves are wrong. It is the batterer\'s way or no way!

Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem - Has overwhelming feelings of inadequacy regarding several areas of his/her life. However, batterers work hard to hide their feelings. As such, they often appear confident, charming, and in control.

Denial of Responsibility - Blames violent episodes on the victims. Common statements include, 'You made me do it,' and 'If only you hadn't done. . ., I wouldn't have had to be violent.' Batterers believe they should not have to face consequences for their behavior. They think there are acceptable excuses for the violence and give themselves permission to batter.

Lack of Communication - Refuses to take responsibility to share honest feelings and thoughts. Does not talk through conflicts to an equally negotiated resolution.

Lack of Intimacy - Typically thinks that sex equals intimacy. Often does not show affection without sex. Batterers usually do not communicate about what would be equally pleasurable during sex.

Dependency - Wants to be taken care of without asking for it directly. Batterers think it is the victim's responsibility to make sure their needs are met and they are the victim if someone is not taking care of them.

Self-Centered - Believe that the only things that are important are the things that pertain to them. They think everything should happen the way they want and they have the right to push as hard as necessary to get things their way. Batterers do not respect boundaries or other people's opinions, thoughts, feelings. They act as if they are the 'Center of the Universe'.